Wednesday, May 7, 2008

The real ballpark experience without being at the ballpark.

Ever want to spend a day at the ballpark, but don't have tickets? Hate the home team and don't feel like driving 260 miles to see baseball played in a real ballpark? Can't stand the fair weather fans and their "Yadie is a hottie!" signs when he is mired in a 1 for 35 slump? Fear not, legionnaires of the diamond. You can have the ballpark experience without actually being at the ballpark.

Hungry? Microwave yourself a hotdog. This is actually better than the ballpark in one respect. You don't have to stand in line and miss a half inning just to get a dog.

Thirsty? Grab yourself a cold one out of the fridge. It didn't cost you $8.50 and, again, you didn't have to wait in line. Bonus if it is your roommate's beer...then it is free!

Need to pee? Standing in front of the bathtub and letting it fly gives you that authentic urinating into a trough feeling. This technique is so authentic that there are rumors that MLB is going to trademark it so that you will be forced to pay royalties even when you pee into your own tub.

What's that? It's not like peeing at the stadium because nobody else is there peeing too? Invite the neighbor kids over to pee in the bathtub with you. (You really shouldn't do this unless you feel like reporting your every move to the state.)

Worried that the sign you stayed up all night making might get you kicked out because you make reference to the other team sticking one specific part of their collective anatomy into another part of their own collective anatomy? Don't worry. Nobody will care at home. (Until your wife comes back from her sister's place.)


Runningman said...


I say you go on a stadium tour, from your home of course and give examples of how someone could recreate watching the game at home. Maybe they could even replicate this in real life. For example, if your a Yankees fan, be real combative and critical of your wife, if your a Royals fan be real apathetic and talk about how your girlfriend back in the late 80's was the best.

Captain Awesome said...

Yeah, I follow. Like if you are a Marlins fan, you could never be there for your wife.

The Yellow Dart said...

Why can't I be a guest writer on this stupid blog? First Captain Awesome drinks my beer, then he eats my weiner, then yesterday I catching him peeing in my f*****ing bath tub. Seriously, if I hear him tell me "I'll take your bag of salty nuts" one more time, he'd better be looking for a new apartment.

Runningman said...

I realize that Captain Awesome and I are role models, heroes if you will. We wish we could teach this stuff, we really do. Its our curse, but like Batman, Superman, or Hannah Montana as much as we try to run from our powers we are obligated to disperse our inner and outer most thoughts, conversations and observations.

These are things that we would discuss between us off the top of our heads without much thought, really there is much more there we just haven't got to it yet. Again, like Superman, you have to be born with this talent and it has to be performed with the percision of the Air Force Thunderbirds or at least the Navy Blue Angels.

Also, a TST writer has to have standards of funification. Weiners, circumcision and salty nuts and stupid blog and infomercial references don't quite meet it, they make me wince. I don't know why it just does and as one of the gatekeepers to TST I go thumbs down or if you use a numbering system then I give a 9 out of 10 where 1 is considered good and 10 bad. Or if you need a letter I would give a D. You need to be a minimum of a B+ or a 3 or a thumbs up. Again, we can't teach this stuff and in some ways I consider you lucky to not have this curse on your shoulders. Heavy is the head that wears the crown.